What to Do When Your Partner Is Unwilling to Attend Couples Counseling

I’m often asked, “When should a couple attend couples counseling?” Unfortunately, the answer is almost always “months ago” … sometimes “years ago.” All too often, couples wait far longer than they should before seeking the help they need.

One of the main reasons more couples don’t seek professional help sooner is that one partner may be more than ready to participate in couples therapy, and the other partner is resistant to the very idea of seeking professional help.

In fact, many mental health professionals report that people are more likely to resist counseling for their relationship issues than they are for individual issues, such as chronic anxiety and severe depression.

There is usually a “dragger” and a “dragee” to initial couples counseling appointments. But, a partner’s unwillingness to attend therapy doesn’t necessarily mean they are ignorant or being intentionally disagreeable.

There are plenty of valid reasons for someone to resist couples or marriage counseling. Your partner may fear they are going to be shamed or blamed, ganged up on, or forced to make changes they are unwilling to make. Perhaps they don’t recognize the severity of the problems in your relationship. Or, if you’ve been to couples counseling in the past, your partner may be thinking, “If it didn’t work the first time, why try again?”

Regardless of the reason for your partner’s resistance, counseling and therapy are only effective when a person wants help. This is as true for couples counseling as it is for individual therapy.

So, if you’re in a relationship that’s struggling and you’re ready for professional assistance but your partner isn’t, the question becomes…

What Should You Do?

First of all, what you should not do is try to trick your partner into attending counseling. Don’t lie to them, beg them to attend, or pressure them in any way.

Simply explain that you want to be a more effective marital partner. You want to improve your relationship and life together, and you are inviting them to join you in the endeavor. This should remove pressure from your partner and help them feel safe and in control. At this point, you may want to contact a therapist and explain the situation (you want to come to therapy, your partner doesn’t) and ask if he or she has any ideas. Your therapist may also have helpful written materials for you to share with your partner.

If none of this works — and there is no guarantee that it will — then you may want to consider doing your own personal growth work by attending relationship counseling on your own.

Relationship Counseling for One?

Can couples counseling really be effective if only one partner attends?

Ideally, both partners should work on resolving their communication, trust, and intimacy together, but this is not always feasible.

Fortunately, professional counseling can still be incredibly beneficial for both you and your relationship, even if you and your partner don’t attend sessions together.

To be clear, if you decide to attend counseling on your own, you won’t be attending “couples counseling” per se. However, seeking relationship counseling without your partner can still help you take positive steps towards resolving your relationship’s difficulties.

A couples or marriage counselor can help you acknowledge and better understand the thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors that lead to relationship conflict, as well as help you understand what drew you to your partner, why you’ve chosen to be together, your relationship goals, and whether or not you can achieve these goals in your present relationship.

Additionally, professional counseling and psychotherapy can help you behave like the person you want to be. This will help you avoid being sucked into negativity and conflict in your relationship, improving both yourself and your relationship’s chances for success.

Instead of giving into blame and resentment, professional relationship counseling can help you find the courage to invite your partner to work through the issues that are affecting your relationship.

By helping you develop self-understanding and practical communication skills (such as mirroring, for example) you can break the cycles of reactivity in your relationship regardless of whether or not your partner attends counseling with you.

Attending relationship counseling sessions on your own can also help you take concrete steps towards resolving your relationship’s problems without feeling held hostage by your partner’s unwillingness to attend therapy. And, individual relationship counseling can help you avoid a common problem that often occurs in couples counseling in which one partner attends couples counseling only in the hopes that by doing so the other partner will change.

It is important to understand that you have no control over your partner. The only person you can ever hope to change is yourself. Make sure that you choose a therapist who will empower you within the relationship. That is, your therapist needs to help you “step up to the plate,” state your needs, and speak your truth to your partner with love and respect.

To learn more about marriage and family therapy, visit Michael Alpren’s website on couples counseling in Portland.