Life Isn’t Fair (Ajahn Sumedho)
This is one among my very favourite quotations …
But wait, I listen to you say, definitely fairness is a great thing, a value that we can all subscribe to?! Well, yes. And no. Like you, I love to be fair, and perhaps also like you, I feel I have let myself and others down if I do not live up to my standards of fairness.
But have you noticed that there are other persons who occasionally behave in a way that we don’t find fair? And what about our external situations? They occasionally seem to have a somewhat shaky concept of what would be fair for us. And as for germs, they simply don’t appear to get it at all!
Now wait a bit, you might already be definitely thinking that these self-development articles should supposedly be positive and should convey to us that achieving anything would be possible and all it takes is the right attitude? Well yes. And there are times when we ought to see where the difficulties are and make a judicious decision as to whether to blast through, or walk round those hurdles.
In fact, it is accurately the near-universal attraction of the idea of fairness that makes it so problematic (and hence maybe one of those troubles that are best to walk round). It is, at least in our society, a very emotionally stimulated concept, and we are inspired to see a great deal more of our experience through a “fairness filter”. Since this is in fact an “unfairness filter” – we’re told to look to, and feel greater or smaller degrees of outrage at, unfairness, instead of rejoicing at all the fairness in our world – it is a painful burden to bear, particularly when we’ve let ourselves be influenced that we’re on the receiving (read: victim) end.
What I love about Ajahn Sumedho’s quote is that it accepts that we simply cannot anticipate the sort of fairness that we have been inspired (very unhelpfully) to believe is our claim, not because we don’t deserve it, not for the reason that anyone has done anything wrong, but because we live in a world where fairness, as we commonly understand it, cannot be assured. What a comfort to know that what used to look like a difficulty turns out just to be the regular everyday state of affairs! Nothing to get disappointed about, just another bit of life’s ever-changing scenery.
An additional problem with the word “fair”, obviously, is that it can be utilised as a convenient shorthand for “I want”. Isn’t it surprising how often both sides in a conflict genuinely believe that their perception is “fair” and their rival’s isn’t? But maybe that is a subject for another article!
So while fairness is a great I’ll always strive for within myself, I prefer to let go of the unproductive expectation of fairness from others, or from the broader Universe. As that letting go has allowed me to wipe away a lot of tears.
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